It is said, most people do not like change. Well I like change in small amounts and when the change is for the better. Today's change was done to ignore the obvious: a missing family member at Easter dinner.
I love my family. They are what life is about for me. Family means everything to me. Today for the first time we did not share a holiday meal or a time during the day as a whole family. We were short one son who by his own choice spent the day with others. Not in service to them. Not because he was required to in the sense one would think. No, he spent the day with people who except for two are strangers. This was his choice.
No guilt was laid, no pleas made. He went. His family who has done nothing but love and support him for his entire life ate without him. A change was needed for us so that we did not focus on the missing but focused on what was. And so for the first time in my married life of 37 years I did not cook dinner or a part of one on a holiday. We ate in a restaurant. The meal was delicious and the mood light. The atmosphere fun. We ignored his absence. I hated it and loved it.
I hated the fact the meal was not in my home or that of another family member. I hated not having to plan the meal and assign dishes to those willing to bring something. I hated the fact I could not watch my grandsons play happily after dinner with their toys. I hated not being able to laugh heartily at my 3 sons bantering and childhood rememberences. I hate no having leftovers to munch and take for lunch this week. I hated the silence about the mised son. I hated missing his hearty laugh and keen insights on everything. I hated not waving goodbye to him as he drove away with packages of leftovers in tow. Mostly I hated that I missed my son. The whole purpose of a different place so his absences would not be felt as sharply. So that he would not be missed. I hated that it did not work.
I loved not having to clean up. I loved seeing my family that came. I loved the food. I hated that we did it.
I hope he did not miss us. Why? Because I do not wish him the pain I felt.
